Fancy Clown

I told him he treated me like a doll, whatever he interpreted that to be on his own, was no longer my issue.

I cried like an idiot for two weeks and on the third week I was wondering why I kept crying when he was the one who lost someone who loved him so deeply, unconditionally, eternally. I lost someone who saw me as an option, a disposable, and especially as a joke. Everything was a joke to him, nothing was real.

He said he wanted to be an actor, and prior to that, a policeman. That's how I knew that he was sick in the head, tied to narcissism and abounded by ego that knew no boundaries. No matter what field he's in, I know he will never be satisfied. The abandoned become the abandoner. Beyond his perspective,  everything else was a joke.

--

This is what I wrote two months ago. This is now. This is October in the midst of beauty and chaos and fall and whatever remnants of summer's left because that's the real haunted house that we live in.

I have developed past the empathy that I held him to, where I had previously rationed that youth was the answer to this lack of security. It was only far beyond my own control. I learned that how he felt was no longer and never was my problem. We were two separate people from the jump, and it was my naivety that thought it was adoration that made it otherwise. 

Love is disillusion after all, surrealism at its finest.

Now, I feel like I'm in my element. Whereas I was made to fit into what he expected of me out of love, fear, or whatever branch of anxiety stemmed out of me at the time. I'm now nothing but feminine energy and passion. I am once again in the grey area of intimacy with someone else. Other men have shown interest, but I love the independency and ability to grow on my own - without a masculine presence who lacks emotional intelligence and empath to hinder me from being able to become who I am.

Days are so much more beautiful now that I'm happy and in love with myself again. There's this part in Eileen by Ottessa Moshfegh that I always turn back to.

Nothing and everything is real and nothing and everything is full of love. People tell me jokes and it's up to me to choose whether I fall in love now.