Something New

Disgusting in an Eve Babitz type of way; not cool, just extremely overanalyzed and in some weird state between over and underwhelming. I remember reading somewhere that Anthony Bourdain loved reading Eve Babitz, maybe that's why I feel so connected to LA and Bourdain and Babitz and how I love and feel and think.

It's a new moon during Mercury Retrograde and I've delved into witchcraft once again and the honey jar from the start of the year is going down the drain and being replaced by one meant just for me and me only. I realized yesterday while sitting in the urgent care waiting for my friend to find the cure to her cough that the cure to my pain and suffering was rest and relaxation and not in the Ottessa Moshfegh way (except for you Zoloft, I love you!). Instead in a much more gruesome way. It was never a you or me problem, it was all those evil people and the evil things they did when I was too small to understand and now that I've finally reached revelation in a bleak waiting room flooded by sunset, now I know. 

I know that when I'm in the midst of regaining consciousness that Jenn and Frances and mom and dad are there to pick me up to lay beside them and leave me kisses on my forehead and tears on my arm as I fluctuate in between life and death. Suddenly disgusting doesn't exist and everything is cool in a weird way. That you, too, have your own past to relinquish and feelings and dreams of your own that don't have to be influenced by me and that I have those, too.