I walk into rooms like God sent me

August 8th, 2022

Drifting in and out of delusion, I am once again ego tripping at the candlelit gates of Bacari on W 3rd. I should stop doing drugs. Especially the ones that don't even intrigue me or do anything to me until they do. And now in a post-sauna haze, I remember how much I hate these things. I hate feeling like I'm not there, or anywhere, for that matter. Do they make anything that makes you there, everywhere? Sure they probably do, but I think I'm going to stick to practicing presence. I already walk into rooms as if God sent me, so it shouldn't be too long before I feel it, too.

Maybe I feel like God in Bacari because it's soulless and the lack of lighting or space solidifies that and hides well. I forget other people are there sometimes. Loud bossa nova and flickering candles whose flames dance on walls... all perfect for coming down and sitting with people I adore who adore strong espresso martinis. I'm okay with the carafe of water. I'm okay is what I keep telling myself. I'm okay. I'm okay.

Whatever pain I endured in the past, whatever feelings I'm stuck on right now. It won't mean a thing when this God-like feeling transfers and transposes back onto me.

I already know things are bound to happen before they inevitably do, it's just that I feed so much on validation and reassurance so I'll ask and ask and ask until my own subconscious finally decides that it's fed and I can truly believe it for what it is.

Sometimes being chosen doesn't mean anything at all. It's like when people have to leave things alone to realize what it is they wanted all along. I don't need that. I already know.

Why put things in their place when it's not your job to? Why bother caring because you think you should? That should be something that comes to you naturally. Caring, that is. 

October 8th, 2022

I'll walk into any room if you're there too. I'm at Bacari on W 3rd again and now you're here and I can't stop holding your hand. As the candle lights flicker softly I turn to you while Jenn and Luz decide what to order and you look so pretty in the glow of the night. You make me feel so warm and the more I know you the better my soul sits with me. It's so easy for me to be a fool for you that even my stupid passion has become unabashed. I've exchanged my apologies for insanities. All I ask God and the universe is to bless you and I with a beautiful life where we can be together and live a lovely life. Fundamentally, I'm a simple girl with a big heart. I know what I want and hope you and the universe feel the same way. I look at your wine-stained lips for a little and then I stare back at the glowing light in the middle of the courtyard that mimics the full moon.

No matter where the two of us end up, I just hope the loveliness lingers.

art -- ed ruscha, halo, 1986