String of Dreams

Earlier this year I had a string of dreams that felt like lessons lined up for me to learn. A man at a bar told me that I would have everything I want this year if I shut up or I would receive it all next year. Another dream encounter involved me standing, shielded by a tall and what I presume to be handsome man from what I remember was dark black hair on the longer side, all black clothing, and a distinct musky cologne. He was different from all the other people in my dream because for once it seemed like he knew me in a way that I didn't. No one's ever come that close. I don't know. All I know is that I most likely did not shut up because as this year progressed everything I wanted did not come to me like those fever dreams did. I did not wake up and see the cherry blossoms. I have yet to stand shoulder-par to a mystery figure. I did not wake up and feel the way I dream so badly that I will become. Not yet anyways. Even after foolishness, I am drenched in hope.

I tried hard to understand it, but in the end I just came out more hungry and insane. It seems like the people around me are getting what I want and I could be completely hopeful and take it as a sign that my time will come too, but I can't help but feel like the universe is fucking with me. I want to publish work too. I want a love unmatched too.  I want to be able to create for a living too. I want to live too.

I don't want to be on the sidelines any longer. I used to hate the idea of being known, and perceived and picked apart. But now I think it would suit me just well. No one can come close to hurting me the way I hurt myself. I piece apart and pick myself back up again. Now is when I know I can do more than just shut up and become a ray of comfort for other insane porcelain dolls like myself and I hope the universe hears this one final plea. I didn't even realize how gone I've been. I took a trip away from myself only to realize I couldn't get far without me. I ran around in circles trying to chase myself away and bring out someone newer and shinier, but the me that I've always known just comes back to face me. So maybe in seeking solace through the darling oddities that the world has to offer, I can then hug the ones in me.

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