Sedation

I've been mentally checked out this past month. At my six month evaluation at work, my supervisor praised my passion and my writing. Funny. My supervisor reminds me a lot of my mom -- unabashedly loud, loves a deep wine lipstick, and high hopes for me, but my mom could care less about legalities and that's the differentiation that fascinates me. Sometimes I feel like I have a lot of moms around me and I like it that way. I've always enjoyed being the baby bird who feeds after the others have eaten first. I like having guides.

Every year, my family and I drive up to Lake Tahoe to watch the snowfall harden into something less romantic. The windows were tinted far too much for me to be able to be lulled to sleep by the countryside, so I was stuck to my delusions. My right foot fell asleep twice and I couldn't differentiate what was real from my in-between states. Since I couldn't look outside, I decided to make it worse on myself and wore my sunglasses to face the window. I was able to see a checkerboard pattern on uneven tint bubbles gone unsmoothed as the sun set. I thought it was the sun shying away that made fog arise in weird ways on the windowpane, but when I tilted my sunglasses down, it all disappeared. Or maybe I'm wrong and it's something else.

I tried to listen to love songs, but it made me more nauseous.

Everything has brushed past me. I was sat in the car with the sleepiness wearing off again as I scrolled through meticulously-curated Korean lifestyle Instagram profiles and I thought about how more things are becoming too familiar and comfortable, too fleeting. Everyone's brisking to prepare for one season after the next, holiday after another. I don't think it's bad at all to celebrate things and I do think the romanticization of the mundane persists because we can't help but encompass everything in our hearts in one way or another. I just feel like the reflection makes me miss the days when I had more time to melt and mesh my days together the way I used to when I was a kid without fear or contempt in doing so. I promise myself that I'll make more time to melt.

With three hours to spare, I realized I had been thinking about how badly I wished I was sedated and how I was making this wish all December. I'm trying to fare well without the wellbutrin. It did right by me, but after it broke me out I welcomed back derangement. Zoloft was out of the question after it made me feel like I was living with all the life drawn out of my body. I feel like I spent all this year feeling everything so deeply and that's beautiful, but now I want everything to play out like a dream sequence. 

Around Christmas, I always think about a time three years ago when my mom picked me up from work one night and I cried to her. I asked her, "Why is all of this happening to me? Why did I deserve this?" in reference to a string of great things happening to me because I felt like I didn't deserve it. And how, the following year, all of it ended in real tears. I wish I never questioned how beautiful and surreal life continues to treat me, but now I have all the time in the world to feel lit all around me in all kinds of ways - deeply or not.

I went to Whole Foods yesterday and it was horrible considering it was December 23rd and I became so overwhelmed with carts darting their way through that after I paced back and forth through the same three shelves of wine for 15 minutes, I just chose a bottle of rosé because it was called Whispering Angel.

A psychic told me that I would be hearing something out of the blue this week, but it's hard to distinguish if I already heard something or if it's even real, because everything means something to me and I always feel like I'm listening to hear meaningful things.