La Fille Avec Toi

I mirrored my old self for a second and it scared me. Then it pissed me off. But then I looked at you and I felt okay again. It happens sometimes after long bouts of being by myself and when I connect to the Earth again (I'm forced to go outside beyond my measures), I leave my body, and there's beautiful things that help bring me back to myself again. It used to be extremely overwhelming, but I'm better at calming that fear down now. I've become more comfortable in being uncomfortable because it's given me the space to step outside of myself and look at who I am and can be, who I will be. I see myself next to others and I'm learning how to not be deeply wounded by that. It's been one of the longest May's of my life because of how I've delved into the discomfort because I remember a monk and another guy with a good t-shirt on TikTok (two separate occasions by the way) speaking about the importance of placing yourself into situations above your level of discomfort to draw your desires closer to you, to show you how you can transcend beyond these situations and propel yourself through bravery.  Fortune favors the bold, transcendence, etcetera. So all May 2024, I've been soft-launching myself through this exposure therapy and although I've ran my body through fatigue, I've been able to overcome such displeasures of doubt and just kept going.

I would catch myself reverting to these doubts and after mulling it over with a tsk, I figured whatever I couldn't accomplish during this May like I had so dearly hoped, I could draw a "To Be Continued..." card and go forth with it all. 

It was cold and gloomy in Los Angeles and I enjoyed the chill on my body as I ran outside the Crypto Arena (still Staples in my heart!) with Jennie to find Door #10, where there was no line of Coquette-drowned kids. It was strange how much everyone meshed together and made me think again about how scary it is that the Internet has made everything melt together through accessibility, but whatever. Who am I to feel sorry for young people being young? That's just life. In a way, it was cute to be surrounded by a sea of baby blues like I've always wanted to. But what I didn't realize, was that this swim would happen while I looked like I was on the set of Dune 2 as an extra in my Hyein Seo top, and that Jennie would be besides me looking like Gisele Bündchen in The Devil Wears Prada. Despite being sedated even hours before the concert and then immediately ill following the first encore of the evening, I felt much better in comparison to the week prior when it was on-again, off-again sprinkling at Jennie's graduation. I was also in a sea of people, but for some reason I felt more burdened by everyone's presence. It was a graduation then, but for me, this felt more like a graduation of some weird, creeping feeling that had been building inside me since last November. I thanked the deafening screams for making me feel like I had bluetooth un-synced from myself for a second, so that I could be quiet and feel nothing as they screamed at the glow that was happening onstage.

Before the show had started and we were plagued by the traffic stalling us from what should have been the usual 30 minute commute in another life. We ran in a way which resembled a happy sunset interlude of an indie movie, which may have been my favorite moment of the entire day to Door #10. The security guards didn't care and all that mulling over with Jennie the night prior felt like a bummer when we could have been focusing on what snacks we could have brought. Jennie had brought pouches of konjac jelly and the security guard just told us to move along when we questioned if they were good to go. It could have been a Nacho Bell Grande! A handsome staff member tried to hand us something, but another man intervened, so I still don't know what that was all about. The same interruptive man handed me his phone to input my personal address, as apparently they didn't have enough gifts for the number of attendees for GA. So I shortened my name and changed it around and put my parents' address and thought about what else could possibly occur. It was all disorganized, more so rushed, so I didn't feel as burdened by our own late arrival. Correction, I didn't feel burdened by my disconnect to the physical realm and not being able to process that things were happening in a present tense that would so quickly become past; an arrival is an arrival. It's still scares me how quick things can just pass and dissolve my what-ifs. Like what-if I hadn't hit Jennie's vape pen seven times and marinated in a cranberry vodka before the show even started. What-if I was able to be a bit closer to the stage because I couldn't see pass some of the bows and little pickets that were being held up. What-if something else led to another or something. I don't know... I didn't even have time for more what-ifs to bubble in my head. Damn.

Everything is just floating and fleeting and happening now, so I've been focusing on how to bring all of that to me in a way where I can take it all in and understand it in the now, rather than just relying on a blurred reflection period afterwards. There was a song I wanted to hear that night. It ended up playing the show following ours. It was one of many instances that I've been feeling lately, as if the things I wish for have orbited around me just close enough to brush my cheek, but not quite enough to go in for a kiss. It's kind of funny actually, because I can feel them creeping up closer and closer to me the more I can understand their timings. I've taken me and spawned myself and have been trying to piece the two together. I feel like I'm doing a good job at it, considering I can somewhat make cohesive sentences about these experiences, but I'll let the universe be the judge of that and see where my "To be Continued..." takes me.